12. When you ask to see the church rules & bylaws you are given a copy of the Old Testament.
11. There are twice as many TSA agents at the church door than at the airport and the gangster in front of you had enough firearms in his pockets to arm a small nation (and he happens to be your kid’s sunday school teacher.)
10. You hear the pastor announce his annual 6 month church-sponsored “mission-cruise” to the Bahamas…. on his church bought “mission-yacht” (going to visit his “mission-girls.”)
9. You can’t quite figure out whether this is a church or a weekly political rally, and the guy who was on stage for an hour talking about bill-9811 is too busy signing up voters after the service to clarify.
8. There is a special Thursday service where the pastor is used as a (verbal?) punching bag, you overhear the women’s prayer group say this is, by far, their favorite service.
7. When a few members were ticketed for illegal parking, they explained that this is the work of the Antichrist and the start of the Great Tribulation mentioned in Revelation… fortunately the church has a stockpile of food, weapons, and prophecies that will last well through 2090.
6. At the last members meeting the only person who raised their hand and kindly asked about changing the paint color was called a heretic and carried outside by a mob of people.
5. The church has split in half every year for the last 20 years… and there’s only two of you left (and she is both the pastor and the cashier.)
4. The only time you hear the ‘cross’ in a sermon is when the preacher reminds that yours is the ‘only true church’ while mocking the less holy neighboring church with a ‘cross’ on the roof.
3. Right before announcing a member who sinned and is on church discipline the deacons pass out stones…. and you notice the bodybuilder next to you got a whole basket of the biggest ones.
2. After delivering an emotional sermon on ‘sacrifice’ your pastor waves his knife at the deacons so they would light up the altar and looks around for volunteers…. and everyone points to you and shouts “pick the new guy!”
1. Jesus applied for membership three times, but the elder board decided to kick him out because he wasn’t wearing dress pants/tie like real Christians and his hair cut didn’t meet the church code of conduct.
For a more serious and rigorous discussion about leaveing or staying at a church, see this link: When should I leave my church?