5 hilarious things Fundamentalists do on Halloween.

Halloween is hilarious. Some people take it way too far. They spend hours dressing up, they hang tons of china-made dollar store plastic all over their homes. Other people go just as far in the opposite direction. They assume little Catholic ladies who place Jack-o’-lantern’s on their porch are actually closeted Satanists that sacrifice little children right after their granny book club. Now of course not everything about Halloween is good, some trends in particular are very disturbing, namely the sexualization of girls and obsession with violence/gore. Yet in the middle of this silly commercialized secular holiday, why do we see Christians who preach about the light and rebuke satan in churches, hide and cower from “the darkness” of $5 worth of Halloween makeup?

I digress.

The point is the way we (I too!) believed this was an openly Satan-worshiping holiday is nothing short of  hilarious. For those of you that have a bunch of factually erroneous and unhistoric “history facts” connecting Halloween to demon worship, please read The Historic Facts about Halloween That You Didn’t Know. Then relax a little bit.

Now then, here are the funny things Christian fundamentalists (if you don’t know the term, but you are angry at this post, you are probably one) do on Halloween. Oh, and please, relax and smile a little this is just a little bit of lighthearted satire, not satan worship.

1. Turn off the lights and hide

Our first few years in the US, my extended family would gather together, dim the lights, and carry on conversations in whispered tones. The kids amongst us would sneak peeks out of the upstairs windows and shake with terror upon seeing the carnivorous little satanic creatures walking about. I thought that this practice was dead, then last year a friend posted a joke from my wife’s account, saying that we were hiding from the Halloweeners, and a few people, being quite serious, acknowledged they too were hiding.

2. Bravely put up a sign warning people away

A few years later we joined the Slavic community in saying “I am not afraid of them, this is my house” and my sister put up a sign telling people we don’t celebrate Halloween. Apparently the little Satanists in power ranger costumes knew this was an intense spiritual battle because by morning our door was covered in eggs. I can only assume it was some form of satanic sorcery , or perhaps a spell that failed.

3. Hand out “Halloween is Satanic” pamphlets to trick-or-treaters

I personally have not done this, but have heard some dreadful stories. Nothing could be more hilarious! I can just imagine a grown man, eyes filled with righteousness, glaring down at the 6 year old Superman at his doorstep and asking “Did you always like worshiping the devil?” That confused little spawn of Satan just came for a Snickers, but instead gets the full instruction manual for “Waging Spiritual Warfare and Destroying Demonic Strongholds.”

4. Wage spiritual warfare against the ‘Halloween’ powers of Satan.

Reading like the script of a bad 80’s movie, Satan has special powers on this one day and Christians must use supernatural warfare to hold him off until the sun rises. This silly idea is rooted in paganism and idol worship. It is not true. God is 100% powerful 100% of the time. Yet we conduct special prayer meetings to wage a special battle against the devils special Halloween powers. There is some speculation that the Celts may have dressed up for for Sanheim so that the evil spirits would not recognize them. Specifically that the evil spirits would think the humans in costumes are also evil spirits. I doubt spirits are that easy to fool, but a few of my Christian friends might be… specifically the ones praying for a magical protective covering against Halloween/satanic activity from the 12 year old “Cinderella” who’s biggest real danger is sugar (or sex) related.

5. Warn children not to eat the ‘cursed’ candy.

“Bad things happen if you eat the candy; don’t even touch it.” From tales of children getting possessed by the dark lord of hell himself, to enduring horrific curses, it was always clear that Halloween candy is a magic wand away from the wicked world of Harry Potter and Satan (who are bunk mates in hell). At the very least it was displeasing to God to eat this candy.  It was marked by the Devil’s professionally designed logo, the Jack o’ Lantern, which is also Satan’s Twitter self-portrait. Very obviously there was also a satanic sect praying backwards prayers over each peanut butter cup that found its way into unsuspecting hands of naïve children. Strangely, no one ever brought up 1 Corinthians 10:25–31, and the fact that Christians were allowed to eat meat sacrificed to idols, provided they don’t worship the idol and don’t lead others into sin.

What alternative am I proposing?

Firstly stop hiding, the kids knocking on your door want candy, not your soul. Next, the opportunities are limitless. Here is an excerpt from a blog titled “Redeeming Halloween” by a pastor of The Village Church, where Pastor Matt Chandler teaches (He is a favorite pastor of many Russian Pentecostal kids in our community).

For Halloween “my family and I invite over 200 families in our surrounding neighborhood to join us for some hot dogs and hamburgers while they’re out trick or treating. We show It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown on our garage door for the kids, put up some fun decorations and serve plenty of hot cocoa and apple cider. In addition to being a ton of fun for our family and neighborhood, it provides other redemptive wins.

At a neighborhood Halloween party “last year I met a guy who was going through a divorce and struggling with a drug addiction. I shared the gospel with him, connected him with a counselor and helped him plug into a local church. He has since trusted in Jesus Christ as his Savior.”

More information about what prominent Christians say about Halloween

Now if you really have an open mind, and are willing to read views that might be different than your own, yet are made by Christian pastors, teachers, and professors, check these out.  If you want to slander, get angry, and fight, I surrender, this is not a big deal, Jesus is the big deal!

What Christians should know about Halloween by Dr. Justin Holcomb, director of The Resurgence and professor at Reformed Theological Seminary.

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween? by the Ministry of Billy Graham (He is a trusted source that most people can agree on).

Hallowing Halloween By Anderson M. Rearick III professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene College in Ohio.

What are your thoughts on Halloween (video) by Dr. John Piper of Desiring God ministries.

Christians and Halloween by Travis Allen, director of ‘Grace to You: The Ministry of Dr. John MacArthur

Halloween Fast Approaches by Tim Challies, pastor and prominent blogger.

Thank God for Halloween by a charismatic pastor who claims to have been a satanist.

Is Halloween Heresy, Holy or Hazardous? By Bogdan Kipko, a Russian friend, blogger, and pastor.

The Historic Facts about Halloween That You Didn’t Know. By yours truly.

5 responses

  1. It’s hilarious, now that I think about it, how we used to do some of these things. Now, my parents attempt to hand out pamphlets on Christ, that He saves, without degrading the poor kids. Thanks for posting this, I feel like it’s going to be an eye opener for some of our brothers and sisters!

  2. Thank you for this! its hilarious and those links were very good information. I’m so happy at least you dont go around judging everyone and calling everyone satanist.

  3. A few years ago, (the year of the swine flue scare) my sister and I put up a sign on our front door which said “beware of swine flu”. Needless to say we did not have our doorbell rung even once that evening. :P

  4. You my friend need some more brains, your father is one of the first that would say something dumb like that to a kide with a superman costume. Second, you can find what ever you are looking for on Google (meaning what you believe is what you’ll find). Third, stop acting like it’s a big deal that some pastor saved someone’s soul just because it was on Halloween. Halloween is a pagan holiday.

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