8 Tips for the Best Youth Ministry

Are you looking to make your youth ministry rock!? Here are guaranteed methods that will totally, completely, irreversibly, conclusively, without doubt, raise your youth ministry to the next level!

1. Youth pastor needs a jet or helicopter. If you really want the most anointed ministry, buy both.

2. Smoke machines are a must. If you can’t have smoke, I’m pretty sure you can’t have the Holy Spirit. If the worship is not knocking people down, turn up the music, and more smoke.

3. Head coverings for all the girls, even if they’re just children; like with point 2, if you can’t have this, there are so special powers coming down. Sometimes, if you want something really really special, wear two.

4. Be seeker friendly and never talk about anything specific, only vague notions of a higher power. In today’s world, white and black don’t really exist anymore. It’s just taking a really long time for the old timers to catch up to this idea.

5. Constantly remind people about what really and truly matters in life…. that they have a good job and keep giving to keep getting more stuff. God after all gave Adam, or Aaron, or Abram, or whatever that guys name was, a lot of money and stuff, clearly that what God is all about.

6. Have a special group of deacons with rulers measuring the length of girls skirts, and collecting all jewelry at door. Be sure to pick the angriest and loudest to scare the young people with a little extra strong “fear of the Lord.”

7. Gold dust. You CANNOT have a service without a special anointing in the room, for that you need gold dust. If you can’t make it come down from heaven, buy some at Wal-Mart, the kids need their faith bolstered.

8. Bible; it’s too hard for young people, too much archaic language and middle east culture, we don’t need at all today, get rid of the bible and theology… just do games and soda chugging contests. Always remember, the bigger the prizes, the more people will join the church.


Or you could always try to remember the focus is Jesus.


Remember your Creator in the days of your youth…

Ecc 12:1

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4 responses

  1. I find your sarcasm funny. I don’t know you personally, i just know the type of church you are a member of and the surrounding russian churches that are in the same boat. The most entertaining items are #3 and #6. I’m curious, how does your church elders take your views on those subjects?

  2. wow what a hodgepodge of tips from the most charismaniac russian churches and tips from the most preserved old style russian churches, all mixed together….

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