Can a girl pursue a guy?

Question:

“Is it ok for a girl to confront a guy with her feelings for him??? If she thinks that he’s interested but just won’t step up.”

Answer:

To my knowledge there is no direct, clear, and absolute command or instruction in and from Scripture. Let’s look at a few general principles or examples, but they are by no means mandatory. Personally I think that it will often depend on exactly the situation and the type of guy (some may need a little urging while others will flee and feel cornered.)

HISTORICAL WAYS WOMEN GOT MARRIED

There are quite a few interesting ways that women were wedded off in the times when the bible was being written. Many of these methods were recorded in scripture but are not specifically prescribed as the only one way that marriage and romance should blossom.

Via Dad

God made Eve and brought her before Adam, giving her away to Adam like a father gives away his daughter. Ever since that, history has noted this as the primary method of marriage, with the father giving away his daughter. In most of the bible, the daughter had little to say about her involvement. This method is not likely to work in our time and age but you can always ask your father to offer the guys parents a nice cow, but if they take you only because of the cow, you may find they treat her better than you.

However, before you do date and marry someone, seeking you fathers involvement and permission (assuming he is normal and sane) is very important.

Via Politics

History is filled with kings being married with the daughters of neighboring kingdoms in order to promote peace and unity between kingdoms. Often one king would marry of his son to the daughter of a neighboring kingdom to symbolize and finalize and alliance. Smaller nobles and lords would also intermarry specifically to strengthen ties with appropriate families. This is not likely to be useful today because there is nothing to gain for it and even contemporary monarchs fall in love based on emotional/physical attraction and not political plotting.

Via Strategic Positioning

In the book of Ruth, we see the story of one of the great great grandparents of Jesus, Ruth, who was a single lady (after the death of her husband). At one point she sees a man that (we can assume) she falls in love with, Boaz. Unfortunately Boaz was a prince, while Ruth was a pauper. Boaz owned a great amount of land, and so Ruth, by the advice of her wise mother in law, Naomi, learned to strategically position herself to be seen by Boaz (Ruth 2:2). There she worked diligently to be set apart from the other women, allowing herself to be noticed by her good work and humility (Ruth 2:5). When Boaz talked to her and favored her, she responded with respect (Ruth 2:10). Soon Naomi told Ruth to take a more direct approach (Ruth 3:1-4). In what is one of the most interesting passages, Ruth goes to sleep at the feet of Boaz as a straightforward way of asking for his protection, which could only be given in marriage (Ruth 3:6-8, 8-10, 11-14).

Now while I clearly do not advocate going to his house and falling asleep by his feet, at some point in your life it may be good to make your intentions clear, if it’s done in the right way. Let’s explore some ways I think young Christian women could draw the right kind of attraction to themselves.

POSSIBLE WAYS OF DRAWING HIS ATTENTION

Don’t be pushy

Here is the thing you must know about most men, they don’t like being forced, pushed, or manipulated. That is the most spiteful thing in the world, and if you end up sharing your feelings in a way that they perceive is pushy, you will cause them to run from you as if you were a leper.

Unless the guy has already made the first step and asked you out on a date, bought you a little heart necklace, recited cutesy little poems, don’t, and I repeat, don’t, use your lipstick to write “I love you and can’t imagine life without you by my side” on his car.

Even worse, if for some reason you let it slip out and he starts mumbling something about “not ready yet” don’t push him to try to make him love you. Bad, bad, bad. Don’t be pushy or try to reason with him to get him to notice you.

Don’t be slutty

I will admit, if you put on a miniskirt and jump into his arms, all the while winking slyly, you will without doubt get his attention. Men often do respond to sexually suggestive stimuli, except not with the kind of response that you want. I imagine if you “seduce” someone you like you may get varying levels of physical intimacy out of it, but his view of you will likely be shaped not by who you are, but merely by your body as a sexual object.

In my experience guys do tend to stick around and play around with girls that are exceptionally gracious with their sexuality, however, they don’t love them, and they don’t end up marrying them.

If your main arsenal for attracting love is sexuality, you will sadly end up being used and abused. True love is when a man is attracted to not just your body, but your intellect, your emotions, your character, the whole you. If you use sex, you may gain some temporary attraction, but you will lose love.

Do Be Feminine

The Bible repeatedly tells us that there are certain internal characteristics and behaviors that are beautiful. In fact a woman who is beautiful only in appearance but with an ugly character, is like a pig with gold jewelry (Pro 11:22). The point here is that while physical beauty is indeed attractive (as jewelry symbolizes beauty), having only physical beauty can in no way make up for an ugly character (the pig symbolizes this lack of inner beauty).

In the New Testament Peter tells women to become attractive by being feminine, submissive, and quiet (1 Peter:3:3-4). This does not mean a woman is to be timid, stupid, unopinionated, unclean, unkempt, but it means she is to be feminine and gentle in her attitude towards others.

Whereas men can get away with being authoritative, loud or ordering people around, a woman who does that will be very unattractive.

So then the way you act in public and private should always be described as gentle, kind, and feminine, yet not airheaded and preoccupied only with pampering yourself. You can and ought to be feminine by, through, and in loving others and being kind and full of service. When you and the man you are praying about are at the same social event, say a friends houseparty, don’t be absorbed with only getting him to notice your hair, dress, or smile, but also be sure to remain kind, gentle, and serving. Does he need more tea? Kindly and without forcing him, ask to refill it. The key is a feminine balance where you do not act forceful or desperate, demanding to be the one pouring his tea, but instead incur a natural behavioral change that will make you be a young woman who is caring and helpful, instead of selfish.

Do Take Care of yourself

This may sound crazy, but there are plenty of Christian girls who think that taking care of ones image is vain, pointless, and even sinful. On the contrary, to neglect yourself and look sullen and disheveled is dishonoring of the body God has given you. A wife belongs to her husband, and every single husband wants his wife to be beautiful, to take care of herself, to look clean and well dressed. The Proverbs 31 woman of virtue is shown as someone who wears beautiful clothing (Pro 31:22). Queen Esther, a role model for biblical women also underwent many months of intensive skin care (Esther 2:12). The Bride of Solomon (often used to be an allegory of the church) wore jewelry and was often glorified for her physical beauty (Song of Sol. 1:10).

The main rule to abide by is that physical beauty shouldn’t be your main emphasis, but at the same time, it cannot be neglected. (Money shouldn’t become your idol, but we don’t abandon money).

So a girl who is ready to be married, should not sulk and be depressed, she should not consider herself ugly and refuse to dress nicely, apply any makeup, or dress up her hair. A young woman should care enough for the man she loves that she should spend adequate time in caring to her appearance.

Do Take Some Initiative

While it’s very important to avoid being pushy, forceful, or confronting, at some level it may be appropriate for a young woman to take some initiative towards the young man.

First off, if this is a new attraction, if you aren’t ready for marriage, if you haven’t prayed about this, if your parents are dead set against it, you should not make any motions. However, if you have strong feelings (and the young man has not explicitly said he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship, but is slow to understand your feelings) you may take very small baby steps in exposing your heart and attraction.

By this I mean, not writing him a huge love letter detailing all the ways he makes your heart melt, but a simple short comment about how you value something very important to him. This can be very different for different people, like for example if he does something “gentlemanly,” you can respond with telling him how nice he is and that he is different from other guys who aren’t as nice. Again, how much you say depends on the person and the level of friendship you have. It may also be appropriate to very gently nudge him to take you on a date. Not by saying “dearest, please sweep me off on a date” but by noting how you enjoyed a conversation with him and would really like coffee and talking to get to know each other better. I would recommend that everything is done in a way that doesn’t force him into an ultimatum, but to gently guides him into the direction where he feels like he came up with the idea himself.

 

One response

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *