Is religion good? Five ways Christianity is harmful

“Why don’t you just stop talking about religion?!” The statement seemed more of a command than a question. He looked at me, eyes filled with frustration, waving his hands as he raised his voice. “All you do is talk about religion! Get a life! Go do something useful!” I stifled my urge to point out that social media account was filled with abundantly more posts about religion (albeit from a different perspective.)

But instead of pointing out the hypocrisy, I found it wiser (or perhaps easier) to simply move on with the conversation. This wasn’t my first rodeo. While many religious people are kind, welcoming, and full of honestly, we all know some who are not. I had already learned that some don’t want to listen, they don’t care what I have to say, they are like a walkie-talkie with the switch permanently glued to ‘send’ not ‘receive.’

Fortunately my wife’s grandmother isn’t one of those people.

When I was a preacher, she was one of my biggest fans, beaming with pride as I stood in the pulpit. After services she would always give me a cheerful hug and tell me what a great young man I was. So when I left the faith, I expected her to immediately initiate a difficult series of conversations. But this did not come. In fact, she avoided the topic completely. For over two years, she fed me blinchiki and never asked any strenuous questions.

Until a few weeks ago, when the dam broke loose.

I won’t air the specifics of that conversation, suffice it to say, I didn’t attempt to dissuade her from her faith. After an hour of quizzing me, and seeing my earnest responses she finally ended by saying she will continue to pray for me (which I politely thanked her for), but she also suggested that I remain silent and not publicize my questions and doubts. She had kindly joined the chorus who say: “I understand that you don’t believe this, but stop dragging people with you

So why don’t I stop and stay quiet? Why continue to talk about religion? (I usually talk about Christianity, but for the record, I would say that Islam, Mormonism, and other religions are equally bad, or perhaps worse, but I simply don’t have much personal experience with them, nor do 99% of my readers).

So why talk about religion? Two reasons. First, because I think it’s not true. Second, because I think it’s not good.

Are there good things about Christianity?

Yes.

Religion has among its ranks a tremendous amount of good, moral people. Religion has inspired many humans to pour out their creativity through magnificent architecture, art, and music. Religion helps alleviate the anxiety and fear people feel about death. It has often been the social glue that has united small tribes or families, and the social context through which much joy has been celebrated. Christianity, for example, has among its mixed bag of commands, the beautiful call to love your neighbor and treat others as yourself. So yes, Christianity does produce a significant amount of good in the world. Although none of this is exclusive to Christianity, this exact same set of statements can be said about dozens of religions.

I am honest enough to admit that Christianity has contributed good things to this world. Even more so, I want to acknowledge that I respect and admire many Christians, because they are fantastic people. Alas, the story doesn’t end here.

Are there bad things about Christianity.

Yes.

Imagine that I told you there was a doctor who saved ten people from dying because of his empathy, but also killed ten because of his negligent attitude. Would that be a “good doctor”? Now certainly, the act of saving ten lives is not invalidated by the act of killing ten lives. But on the whole, such a doctor is not a good doctor. We should celebrate the ten saved lives, but we must take prosecute him for the ten murders. Furthermore, if there is a second doctor at the clinic, one who has saved lives AND harmed no one, we ought choose her instead! My argument is that orthodox Christianity (or Islam/Mormonism) with beliefs like the inerrancy of the Bible, sin, hell, etc, is the first doctor while secular humanism or certain liberal religions (like Universalism) are the second option.

This doesn’t mean all the people who are orthodox Christians are bad, evil, or stupid. Some are, to be sure, but others have hearts of gold. It’s very important to distinguish the ideology from the person. I am speaking about the idea, not attacking person who believes it.

Again, I want to reiterate, I’m not “picking” on Christianity, had I grown up in a Hindu country, I would speak about the negative aspects of that religion. But I didn’t, I grew up as a Christian and live in a culture where Christianity is (wrongly) considered the ultimate standard for society.

Five most dangerous things about Christianity.

1. It exploits nature

As an atheist, this earth is all I have, and the totality of my existence depends on this planet. On the other hand, for a Christian, this earth is just a brief pit stop on their way to eternal bliss.

As an atheist, I understand that it’s quite possible for us to destroy this planet. While for a Christian this planet cannot be destroyed by our means unless God ordains it to happen. And in fact, in Christian theology it’s a good thing for the world to be destroyed, because it means evil is being destroyed and replaced by heaven. Many religious people have an obsessive fetish for the destruction of our world, they write books, create movies, and sings songs, eagerly celebrating the destruction of the only home for our species.

Consider this, if you and a friend were given a car, and this friend had the sincere belief that (1) this car cannot be crashed until his dad wants it to, and (2) that upon its destruction, we would all survive and he would get a brand new Ferrari, would you let him behind the wheel? Do you think he would be a safe driver? Would you risk your life? Or would you want to drive it (very safely and slowly)? The world is our car, and those of us who are secular, are risking our lives every day by letting religious people drive the world.

This is the danger that Christianity poses to the planet, it teaches its adherents that our world is a disposable campsite, on the way to a permanent mansion. It doesn’t depict the destruction earth as a terrifying conclusion, but a beautiful beginning. It’s no wonder that conservative Christians lead the polls in rejecting human climate change is a problem and other forms of environmentalist concern. Christianity teaches people not to carefully safeguard this planet, which is our only hope, and that is dangerous.

2. It makes stubbornness a virtue

Christianity teaches that doubt is shameful and faith is noble. In actuality, doubt is the humble awareness of our human propensity to be mistaken, while unwavering faith is nothing but stubbornness and refusal to change your mind.

This may be easier for a Christian to see if we apply the same faith/doubt dichotomy to another ideology. Let’s say there was a group of atheists who taught their followers that “doubting atheism” was a shameful thing, that only the immoral or weak-minded did it. Imagine this group taught its followers to “have faith in atheism, no matter what, even if you see visions of angles, don’t believe them, just believe that atheism is true, to the point that no one can ever convince you otherwise.” Does such an atheist group seem like they care about finding the truth? No! You would clearly see that their ideology was manipulating its members using fear, shame, and indoctrination. It’s clearly not interested in the pursuit of truth, merely keeping it’s members addicted to the dogma, no matter the cost. Yet, that is exactly the way Christianity, Islam, Mormonism, and other religions treat internal skepticism.

In the end religion teaches its followers to have arrogant and unwavering self-confidence, to believe that “MY religious views cannot be mistaken!” It urges its adherents to instantly reject other people’s views without honestly and openly considering them. It teaches it’s followers that asking skeptical questions and seeking to critically examine whether their own beliefs are true is a shameful thing which the “spiritually strong” don’t do. Religion makes the evil of arrogant dogmatism a virtue, so long as that dogmatism supports that religion.

3. It has no ethical limits

Usually it’s the Christian who accuses the nonbeliever of having no moral limits, after all, without God “anything is permissible.” But is that really true?

Assume with me that there is no God, does that really mean that there are no rules in the universe? For example, will shooting yourself in the foot cease to be bad for you? Will cutting off your fingers instantly stop being harmful? No, not at all. There are natural laws which govern our health and happiness, regardless of the gods, and these laws are grounded in natural facts.

If I want to be happy, I cannot go and kill thousands of children. Why? Because it brings harm to sentient beings, which ultimately reduces the level of happiness in the world. The tribe or society of those who were harmed will be angry, cease wanting to help me, and will likely desire to hurt me in turn. Most actions have consequences to my own well-being. Lets take an simpler example, it’s a natural law that trying to drink two gallons of vodka will harm (or kill) me. There is no way we can ever consider this “good” for my health. It is an objective fact that this action is bad for my health. If I want to live happy and healthy, I ought not do it..

On the other hand, if God commands me to kill thousands of children (a la Old Testament), what choice do I have? I must consider this act morally good and murder them. If God tells me to burn my neighbor with fire, I must not only do it but also classify it as morally righteous act. If God commands me to take a rock and bash in someone’s skull, I must perform the deed and think it virtuous. Whatever God says, I must not only obey, but honor as morally upright. There are no limits outside of Gods opinion. And looking at the diversity of commands found in the texts of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, & etc, the “Gods opinion” includes just about anything imaginable to man’s mind. If you don’t believe me or are muttering to yourself “god would never order do that,” just read this series of citations from the Bible where the authors describe God commanding those horrific examples of violence and brutality that I cited and much more.

4. It steals human potential

You walk into the doctor’s office, he looks at an x-ray and begins to tell you that your carnivorous lifestyle has given you cancer and you (and all others who eat meat) are going to die a terrible, painful, death. Then he offers to cure your disease asking you to tell others your story. This is not true, but what happens if you believe it? Your roller coaster experience takes you from the dreary chasm of existential dread to the very heights of euphoria and joy. Afterwards, you would almost certainly waste massive amounts of time (falsely) denigrating or worrying anyone who eats meat and (falsely) venerating this doctor. You will waste valuable amounts of time on a useless lie, robbing yourself of time and money that could have been used on a useful truth.

This is what I believe Christianity is like. Even worse, the very core of Christian doctrine says that all of us are wretched sinners who deserve eternal torture (and the only reason God loves us is because he is nice, not because we are worth loving). What are the consequences of such a belief? I don’t have to invent hypothetical answers, because my memory is still fresh with the crippling depression and fear I had from of internalizing that doctrine. I could have spent my time enjoying myself or bettering my world, but instead I wasted hundreds of hours anxiously and tearfully muttering at the ceiling, begging a God who doesn’t reply to not torture me in an imaginary lake of fire.

If Christianity is wrong, then it’s not merely a harmless belief on Sundays, but a pervasive meme that emotionally manipulates its host to waste its life spreading that meme to others. It is like a doctor that infects you with a disease only to sell you the cure, afterward demanding that you bring in new patients, to also undergo the same process. Each patient is infected, cured, and sent out to bring in more. Over and over again, wasting a great deal of human potential towards other, nobler, pursuits.

For those of you who are Christian and cannot imagine your beliefs this way, consider this. You believe Islam is completely wrong. Now conjure in your mind the countless hours that a billion people spend reading Islamic literature, performing Islamic rituals, earning money that’s donated to Islamic centers, and trying to convert others to Islam. Do you not think that is an immense waste of human potential? So much effort and time for a false religion? Surely you do. Now imagine if all those people were to pull all of their time and money away from Islam and invest it into finding a cure for cancer, or into something else productive, helpful, and true. Now do you see? Islam wastes the potential of a billion people? So does Christianity.

5. It creates social segregation

Christianity is among a family of religions and ideologies that force segregation between those of us who are all members of the same brotherhood of humanity. It seems that it’s human nature to harshly divide each other, yet throughout history, many groups adopted different ideologies which fostered unity and kindness for their fellow man (like Jainism, the Bahá’í faith,  Maoiri tribal religion, Chinese Mohism, Unitarian Universalism, Deism, Secular Humanism, etc). History gives us evidence that certain ideologies encourage unity with all mankind while others consistently produce division and animosity. Most variations of Christian doctrine produce division (along with other big offenders like Islam, Mormonism, Judaism, etc).

Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” -Jesus (Mat 10:34-35)

In a trillion galaxies, filled with hundreds of billions of stars we have not yet found another planet with human beings, creatures that are so uniquely gifted with the ability to love, feel, or create. At least for now, we are alone in the universe  (though perhaps only because of its immense distances). In this great vastness and aloneness, how must stronger should our unity be! For each one of us, there are trillions of comets, asteroids, planets, and stars.  We, the living ones, among all this cosmic dust, we are the minority.

This fact alone should drive us to cooperate, and yet, religious and political ideologies create false narratives which divide and fill our hearts with hatred towards the “other.” Religions like Christianity separate us into wheat and chaff, good and evil, friend and foe.

They separate inseparable human beings into “us” vs “them.”

I will admit that some people have great tales of friendships formed through religion, but this is only because members of the “us” group united among themselves, while separating from “them.” This is like two members of the KKK forging a brotherly bond, while still segregating our nation by skin color.

This is the greatest fault of Christianity.

It teaches a parent to turn to their child and say “if you are not with us, you are against us.”

It teaches a friend to say “if you don’t commit to the unprovable ideas I believe, you are broken and evil.”

It teaches a spouse to say “if you don’t believe in the invisible, I can no longer love you.”

It is the thief in the night that has caught us all in slumber and robbed us of our ability to earnestly connect with anyone who is not an identical clone. Most conversations I’ve had with Christians ended up with them coldly assaulting my motivations or acting as divine therapists, in a thinly veiled attempt to diagnose the root of my folly and turn me into another religious clone. How few were the honest conversations when two kindred spirits met, and in the fragile tension of embracing each other’s existential uncertainty, warmly apprehended each other’s fears, hopes, frustrations.

When I left the church, dozens of human hearts around me were sealed shut by the rusted iron gates of religious dogma. My path became difficult and my companions few. And the only one to blame was Christian dogma. (2 Thes 3:14, 2 John 1:10, etc)

The ideological weight of systems like Christianity produces a virulent attitude towards any critical conversation about it (which in turn produces some equally nasty responses from outsiders). Dogmatic religion has driven a wedge between so many people who would otherwise be part of the family of humanity. It has burrowed so deeply into our minds that we cannot kindly discuss it as an idea, instead we would rather break apart families or friendships, than acknowledge our ignorance of the hereafter.

If you’re a Christian, you are might be thinking “stop complaining about how people treat you, it’s your fault you chose to leave the church.” And that, my friend, is precisely the kind of segregation that religion produces.

16 responses

  1. Yuriy,
    For good and for bad, people are always a product of their parents and home environment. When they grow up around ultra fundamental or ultra Orthodox Christian ideas, it can be very damaging to their future well-being. I’m sorry you had to suffer as you did.
    However, most of your arguments here have less traction against more moderate interpretations of Christianity. Rather than God dropping the Bible from heaven in inerrant form, we can view it as written by people. They are slowly and progressively uncovering the nature of God, and not doing it perfectly! This allows us to deemphasize the more brutal parts of the OT, yet see something very special shining through in Jesus, even through the author imperfections! It’s bright enough to shine through. All the time acknowledging the strong Christian vs. Jew clash of the early church that spills into parts of the NT.
    If you ignore the recent fundamentalist resurgence, the 1900 years of Christian history is filled with Philosophy, critical inquiry, and self reflection. The idea to “never doubt and just believe” was not the rule.
    The early Christian Church succeeded because it made a real, practical difference in people’s lives. Along with a rich Philosophic and emotional content. (God loves me? I thought he was Arnold Schwarzenegger) In pragmatic terms, there was a benefit. (See Rodney Stark’s The Triumph of Christianity) Remove the fundamentalism of today, and you will also see a real tangible benefit to people’s lives.
    We must be smart enough to know what the Bible is and how to read it. God wants you to use the mind he gave you.

    Thanks,
    Josh C

      • Vlad,
        It’s fun to use categorical comments but they don’t help find truth very much. Real progress is made in the muddy middle reality of life. My motivations and experiences in Christianity as a child had nothing to do with hell. Why? My parents were moderate. Early formative memories of “something real” in Christianity were anchored in an amazing warm, transcendent, divine presence experience like I’ve never had before. One example is when we had a very large group of family, singing Christmas songs, packed into a room barely big enough. I was about 10 years old and it got my attention. Then etc, etc, etc,.

        There are many moderate interpretations of hell that are more tangible for people. A good one is annihilationism, which fits most NT passages except for a couple of places.

        The understanding of hell can change as culture advances. Just as it has for slavery, women, polygamy, etc. I think God approves of you using the mind he gave you. Having a single wife and driving the family around in a minivan didn’t work well in the Neolithic era. It works better now. Let’s reexamine hell.

        Thanks,
        Josh C

    • Josh,
      So basically, you’re asking to ignore the “uncomfortable” parts of the bible. That works for some but won’t work for all. As long as the bible is considered a holy word of God, there will always be people who worship all of it, not just the “beautiful” pieces.

      This is the dangerous path Yuri is talking about. The doctor who kills some but cures others. And you’re the patient who ignores the bad and recommends him to others as a “good doctor” that “shines through” instead of admitting his pseudo-scientific methods.

      • Yelena,
        Again I’m asking people to consider “how to read the Bible”, or “what the Bible is” using an open mind. Once you do this and see that human personality and agenda find their way onto the pages, you won’t “worship all of it”.

        The doctor analogy is actually quite good but misguided. Real human doctors do make mistakes and some people do die because of it. However on the whole they do much more good than harm, and almost everyone would still go gladly see a doctor when sick and not feeling good. The authors of the Bible were human. They made mistakes. But on the whole the teachings of Jesus and the grand meta-narrative that it provides generally help people cope with life and provide transcendent hope.

        Insisting that the whole thing fell from Heaven in perfect form, or insisting that “the universe always existed or came from nothing” are two ends of different extremes. As with most things in life, we must strive to find the moderate middle ground. Even though it’s the hardest to hold.

        Thanks,
        Josh C.

  2. Shortly:

    1. It exploits nature.

    How can LOVE explained in the NT support destroying of this planet?

    If some teachings teach,that best is to stop Reincarnation,to stop desire on this planet,because they are source of pain.Does this mean that ,they need to kill themselves to avoid suffering or even destroy all universe if they could – just to be sure!?!

    Rev 11:18
    And the nations were angry, and thy wrath is come, and the time of the dead, that they should be judged, and that thou shouldest give reward unto thy servants the prophets, and to the saints, and them that fear thy name, small and great; and shouldest destroy {{{them which destroy the earth}}}.
    ============

    2. It makes stubbornness a virtue

    Nobody asks believe blindly.If Jesus words touch your heart ,you have choice to
    believe.If not – not.That’s why He was teacher,and apostols too.Many people were listening Jesus WORDS,but not many folow His way. Only dark religions wish to have blind idiots for control.

    John 1:45-47
    45 Philip find Nathanael, and saith unto him, We have found him, of whom Moses in the law, and the prophets, did write, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.
    46 And Nathanael said unto him, Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth? Philip saith unto him, Come and see.
    47 Jesus saw Nathanael coming to him, and saith of him, {{{Behold an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile!}}}

    Did Jesus blame him?Not – He even mentioned ,that this is very good.Or maybe Jesus blame Thomas after resurrection!?!Not.
    But in spiritual questions (and not only) without believe you can not move in the beginning.But after through practice your believe become not simply believe,but believe supported with your own experience.Even in basic daily things,first goes believe,and believe push you to do something to experience it.
    ==============

    3. It has no ethical limits

    Again some folks blame Jesus folowers and give examples from Old Testament,that was before Jesus.Did Jesus teach to “kill children,burn neighbour,bash in someone’s skull”.If not ,why you post it here!?!?!
    Where in New Testament have been told words about “”””no moral limits, after all, without God “anything is permissible.”””””?!? If wasn’t those words – why are you saying,tricky way,they were?!?!
    ==============

    4. It steals human potential

    You want to say that you are absolutely free,enlightened,wise,never make something you regret about,never were selfish …,even always do all according your morale without God from “””3. It has no ethical limits””” – so you are perfect?If yes – plese teach others ,many people just trying to be like that :)
    Poor,pooor Hinduists,Bhuddists …& CO — they have still KARAMA or you can use any other words.BTW why you not attacking them,but you choose Jesus folowers (pls dont mix them with pseudoChristians).
    ==============

    5. It creates social segregation

    Jesus teach LOVE.For shure some people against LOVE and they feel themselves segregated.

    “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” -Jesus (Mat 10:34-35)
    It’s not about,that Jesus folowers will start violence,but that people around wil do this towards christians – like we know mainly all apostles were killed – but no one of them made any violence,teach violence.The same like Jesus was killed.
    —————
    >>This is the greatest fault of Christianity.
    It teaches a parent to turn to their child and say “if you are not with us, you are against us.”

    We are all do something always,bringing to this world something.If you not bring something with LOVE,means you bring to this world something without LOVE and dissolve total love – making concentration of LOVE lower = against LOVE.
    —-
    >>It teaches a friend to say “if you don’t commit to the unprovable ideas I believe, you are broken and evil.”

    No comment even :)
    —-
    >>It teaches a spouse to say “if you don’t believe in the invisible, I can no longer love you.”

    John 3:16
    For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

    Matt 5:
    43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
    44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
    45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, {{{{{and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.}}}}}

    Luke 9:
    51 And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem,
    52 And sent messengers before his face: and they went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, to make ready for him.
    53 And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem.
    54 And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?
    55 But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, {{{{{Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.}}}}}

    So do you know now “what manner of spirit ye are of” ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

  3. Josh,

    ‘Moderate interpretations of Christianity’ can be seen as cherry picking the best parts and specifically avoiding all the moments in the bible that really make you think, ‘Is this a divine creature or leaders of a desert tribe instructing us?’ Tis’ true that Christianity has gone through it’s dark (glory age) of supremacy which initiated burning of witches (innocent farm girls) whether there was proof or not. You may see Jesus shining through all the letters written in the bible, stirring up a warm feeling inside, however I see a man who terrorized the pharisees and the Israelis with the notion of eternal hell-fire should one decide not to follow his teachings.

    Ernest,

  4. Your first point isn’t exactly accurate. We are commanded to be good stewards, and people with the attitudes you’ve described are not people who are honoring that. Christianity doesn’t make people anti-Earth, people make people anti-Earth, because Christianity is very pro-Earth. Not to mention it would require a stellar misconception of how the end days work, because we’ll definitely be spending a decent amount of time ON Earth in New Jerusalem.

    I do not agree with your second point either. It is not Biblical for doubt to be shameful, in fact doubt is heralded as a normal process, and a constant one.

  5. Yuriy,

    I came across your blog today and it took me a second to figure out where you stand and who you are. Needless to say, after reading a few posts, you made me think about my life. I am a young zealous youth leader and preacher and by reading your posts, seems like that’s what you were too… after reading your posts I for a second wondered if this could ever be me…

    At first I thought that you are who you say you are which is a Christian gone skeptic, but reading the evolution of your posts, I have to say that you are no skeptic, you are simply and atheist. Your posts went from questioning to direct opposition. You went from intellectual to thoughtless. Seeing how your posts evolved is a clear indication that the devil is alive and well and he blinds people like you who vouched to search for the “truth” but have instead become blind and stoped listening to their own rational they so dearly upheld.

    I am not sure where you miss stepped, but if I were you I would do some soul searching and find that part of you that actually wants to know the truth and do some more digging, because like i said you are no longer a skeptic you are an atheist an as an atheist you outta be fighting with a whole lot more discrepancies then only how Judas died. Being an atheist requires much more ignorance of the truth and science.

    Sincerely,

    Vladimir Nikitenko

  6. There are so many fallacies in these arguments against Christianity…it makes me wonder if you really ever understood the Bible. Just one that I’ll mention – Christianity has never exploited the Earth. We are called to be stewards of it and God will destroy those who destroy it. People aren’t perfect and people, not Christianity, are the reason for the bad in this world. Other fallacies have already been mentioned in some previous comments. The arguments you have about why Christianity is bad appear to me, to be a stretch in justifying your own abandonment of the faith. If you are so sure of yourself, move on and be happy. But somehow you can’t seem to stop talking about Christianity and pointing all the inconsistencies you’ve experienced out to others. It’s almost as though you’re attempting to pursuade yourself that the decision you made is truly the right one.

    Either way, keep working through it, maybe you need to go through this phase in your life to realize that there truly is a God and that He adores you. He is ALWAYS there…even when He doesn’t seem to be. I truly hope you find that out someday.

      • When we get to heaven and will be all knowing, Everything will make sense. God isn’t supposed to prove to Yuriy that He is real. He was supposed to take it with FAITH. But Yuriy tempted God and asked him for proof.

  7. Hi yuriy! I came across your blog yesterday! And I read so much of it! It is very interesting and you have so many great points and I can relate to many things that you wrote about :) I just want to share a short version of my testimony with you. I was born into a Baptist Christian family. I had always been a lukewarm Christian. I have felt so rejected by my youth since I joined- I have many stories/examples why. So I couldn’t wait to get out of that church. And my parents were pretty strict, they only let me go to church events such as youth service, choir, band, etc. They didn’t let me hang out with school friends and do things after school such as go out to the movies with friends or even to the park. So it was just school,church, and youth events for me. I was as obedient as I could be to my parents. I never partied, never drank, the worst thing I probably did was skip school sometimes, and got a speeding ticket. However, I did not enjoy my church because at times I felt judged&mistreated. So the only way out for me, to actually have a life, I thought was to get married, so I pretty much said yes to a guy, at 17, that I hardly knew, from a different city, he was from a Christian family– so I thought this was my answer to get out of that church, and have a life finally. Boy, was I naive. That was its own set of drama. But I ended up marrying him at 18. Was super exited to leave that church, started going to his church, and buried everything that’s happened to me at my church and forgot about it. I probably got married for the wrong reasons..

    I have 2 kids now, both age 2 and under. Anyways, in the beginning of my marriage it was okay. But then something about me started to change. It started small, like I begin to hate my house; i hated to be in it, even though it is a blessing to live in a house, so I demanded new furniture- that didn’t solve anything. I started to get very annoyed of my husband and it grew into hate. I couldn’t forgive him for his past, I started accusing him of things. I would pick up fights for no reason. I did not want to be intimate with him. I would even think about how great it would be if I was with someone else, instead of him. I was irrational many times. I wanted to divorce him. But of course, in front of family, church, every time someone saw us, they thought we were good. I tried to be perfect in front of others. I never looked for help. I always had a fake mask on. Because i knew that if anyone would find out- it would spread like wildfire and I couldn’t have my parents, friends, talking negative about me, and they would all try to get me help, and i didn’t need that from anybody. I like my privacy. Even though my husband in reality is an amazing guy- I was so blind to see it.
    I then started to take my anger out on my kids. I was a horrible mom, I knew that didn’t deserve them. But I did not enjoy them, I didn’t want to be with them. I wasn’t thankful for them. I couldn’t handle their tantrums, they made me furious to the point where I would loose control of my anger and patience. I had many scary thoughts such as- oh it would be easier if they died. What kind of mother would think that about her children? I had sucidal thoughts come to mind, while driving a voice would say– drive into that tree, everything will be over then. Or many times I thought about the gun that we have in the house. But I remember hearing that people who commit suicide go to hell, I did not want to risk being in hell. And I could not understand why I had sducidal thoughts. But hated my life, You can pretty much say that I was depressed. Even though I tried so hard to be happy all the time. But that took a lot for me, and deep down, all those negative thoughts had become a part of me. I knew something was wrong with me. I knew that it shouldn’t be so hard to be happy, to love your husband, to love your kids, enjoy life. I was fully aware that my thoughts were negative, I just didn’t know how to keep them from coming. I didn’t know how to control the anger once it came out. It just felt like something else had control over me and I was in the background. Because I wanted to be better, i just did not know how to. Of course there were many good days in the midst of all of this, date nights, play dates, family gatherings, birthdays, etc. I just enjoy them. But as soon as I would come home, I had to have a battle with myself to control those negative thoughts.

    I tried to pray, but in the 5 years of marriage- I had no desire to pray (so I prayed a handful of times), no desire to read the Bible- (so dust piled up on my bible. I thought that maybe the version I had was too hard for me. So I heard the passion translation was good, When it arrived at my doorstep, I read one page and put it away.) I did not enjoy worship. I started going to church less and less over the years. I went to church not to learn more about God, but to catch up with friends. Many times after hearing a beautiful sermon, that made me shed a few tears, I repented and had a fire inside me for God. Unfortunately, that fire would never last more than a day or so. And for over 5 years, I was like that, I could never figure out why I was so lukewarm in my faith! Why I couldn’t grow stronger in my faith. I did not thirst for God in my life. In fact I thought many negative thoughts about God- like the ones I read on your blog.
    Couple weeks ago, my family invited me to go to Tri-cities, apostle John Chi from Africa was the main reason for the conference. So I decided to go with my husband. I don’t mind a road trip and a few days away from my 2 kids right?

    The first day of the conference I went, and sat in the sidelines. The second day I went, i actually went up to the prayer line, nothing happens when John Chi touched me.
    Fast forwarding to after service, a pastor from Mount Vernon came up to pray for my cousin, she has trouble walking, and I so badly wanted him to pray for me, because I had carried a deep dark secret, that not even my husband knew about, he could just see it in my actions. I was ashamed and hoped I would get better. I cried and asked the pastor and his wife “please pray for me- I need help, I’m a mom, I need to change. Pray for my kids.” They laid their hands on me and said that they see there is rejection in my life and that I need to forgive and let go. They blessed my husband, my kids, and I. They said that they see me in a ministry and my husband will support me. They told my husband- I see that you are a hunter. He replied- No, I’m a farmer! The pastor said that he meant a hunter of souls. That he will bring people to church, that he will cast demons out in Jesus’s names. And I already saw him starting doing this a few months before the conference, he always talks to a Muslim about Jesus at work, and they became good friends. And he talks to a atheist as well, who’s been through so much, but he shows him so much love and care. And my husband is a plain, simple guy. No fancy degrees, doesn’t speak in fancy words and so on.

    Anyways I came back to our hotel, and picked up a bible and begin to pray, and took a look into my buried past, I was looking through all the chapters of my life, asking for God to help me forgive everyone who has hurt me, who I’ve hurt. Most of the past was already forgotten. But little by little I was remembering it, and leaving it in my past in good terms this time.
    The next morning I went to the conference, waiting to get into prayer line. A girl, who shared her testimony from being delieved the night before said that when she went up to the prayer line, john chi touched her and passed her, but she knew she had a spirit in her, then she said she began manifest it, and john actually came back to her! And talked to her crazy Spirit who claimed he was trying to destroy her, and then casted it out in the name of Jesus! So I learned from her that i too should manifest, if there was really something inside me. So I worshiped as loud as I have ever could, I prayed as hard as I could. But in my chest, there was like a brick wall, and I could feel it! I kept asking God to break that barrier. As I came to the prayer line, I felt so much shame, I covered my face. As John Chi came up to me, he stoped, held my hand. And I remember crying and then falling to the ground.

    When I got up, that wall in my chest was gone, I was trembling, I felt so happy, so much joy in my spirit, I felt like I was floating away!! As I was walking to my seat, a few people stoped and and asked, how do you feel!? My friend asked me to tell me what happened up there, I told her. She’s like you don’t remember yourself screaming? I said no! I did not scream! She said yes you did! I did not have any memory of me screaming! It was an evil spirit that came out of me through a scream! I later watched the recording and saw that I in fact did scream. I was delivered at last☺️?

    When I came home to my kids, I was so ashamed for the way that I was towards them. I cried and asked for forgiveness. I finally knew it was an evil spirit that caused me to be this way and that I was not a horrible person, even when living with that spirit– I tried to be the best that I can, it just never enough. But for the first time ever, I saw how blessed I am to have my kids, my house, my husband, and much more! How I can’t live another day without my kids, how much I really loved them but the spirit made me feel otherwise before. My daughter supernaturally started to call me “mama” on the 2nd day since I came home, she always refused to call me that before and would call me by my first name. She never wanted to be with me and would cry hysterically every time her dad left her with me. But when he wasn’t there, she had no other choice but to be with me. Whiten a few days, she started to hug me spontaneously, kiss me more, finally stopped crying for her dad and was okay to be left with just me! And she is only 2! She instantly felt a change in me, instantly felt my love for her then! My husband sees a dramatic change in me! He is so happy for me right now. We finally have an amazing relationship, and I can finally see that we are perfect for each other and I wouldn’t pick another man even if I had a chance. Because he is the only one for me! The idols that I had in my life (things such as tv shows) I completely&easily got rid of them! I feel so different, i started doing so many good deeds that I never had the desire to do before, like for example buy homeless man dinner &talk to them. I finally thirst for God, i pray every day now. I read the Word. I was delivered, and now I’m a baby Christian. I just want to learn more about the Creator. I don’t know much about Him yet, my relationship with Him is still fresh, but I know that I am saved. And I know that the relationship will blossom. I believe, because I experienced a supernatural change in me. How can that happen to me without a God? There is no scientific explanation to be freed from depression in a just a few moments! When the spirit of God touches you, surely you will not be the same again, you will be renewed! I can finally have emotions, before sad things didn’t make me feel that sad, happy things didn’t make me feel that happy. Now, it’s like I have a cup, every time I hear good news, like a friend is pregnant- it gets filled with living water! Feels like it’s overflowing sometimes. And when I came across devastating news, like a loss of a 4 year old girl who fell into to a river while hiking- and 2 rescuers that went after her to try to save her, lost their lives as well. I was shattered, my heart broke and I cried. I prayed for that family. Of course I don’t know why that had to happen. But I hope that one day God will give us an answer. I know it’s hard not knowing..

    Also, the following Tuesday after the conference. Andrey Shepoval from California (flame of fire ministry) came to visit Bellevue. I went to that service. I for once listened to every single word of the sermon, didn’t pay attention to what other girls were wearing, how others were worshiping. It was just Me and God speaking through Andrey. And I was asking for the Holy Spirit. And at the end of the service, when he was calling the people to come up to the alter. I went up there. When Andrey came up to me– he touched my hand, breathed on my face and said- “Holy Spirit come down on her” and I felt such a strong and glorious wind brushing on my face! It was so strong, that my hair was floating back, and it was as if strong wind was pushing/blowing me back. And then he did it again, I went back even more. And again! I probably blew back about 10 feet! And coming from a baptist church, this was all so new to me! But I received the Holy Spirit. And I believe in the spiritual world now, because I’ve seen how how the Spirit worked in me.
    I could hear Him talking to me now. And I’ve already had so many blessings come my way. Like for example, He told me to get a 10th of our $$ and give to church, I almost never gave to church, but this time I wanted to give with such a generous heart, I even wanted to give more to make up for before, but just couldn’t afford to! And then instantly my family was blessed with a much higher paying job opportunity! Almost double! But i encourage you to check Andrey Shepoval from California (flame of ministry) out. He is definitely an man of God. We all went to dinner with him after service and it was such a good time for my family to talk to him. He does many crusades and his mission is to go to every country in the world!

    Anyways, sorry that my writing is so horrible, bad grammar, lots of mistakes, lack of fancy words, etc… I wrote as fast as a could &was never really good in English class. I just wanted to briefly share my testimony with you of how I came to believe that there really is a God. I read your post about how religion is bad for you. And I agree, I don’t want to be religious, I don’t want religion in my life- they are too complicated and too many rules. I just want a faithful relationship with my Creator. And faith is never alone, there is always evidence of faith through our work and through the good fruit that we produce.
    I respect you, your blog, I wish you and your wife all the best, a happy life, and love. Blessings :)

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