When I was the seventh grade just about every guy wished for two things. Unlimited Pokémon cards and sex with as many girls as possible. The same friends who traded me a ‘Charmander’ also showed me “nudie pics,” all in the same school year. What an unusual world it was. By the time high school came around, everyone had put away the Pokémon cards, but the insatiable teenage boy lust was still around. Everywhere I went, I kept running into this big cultural lie that all sex, any sex, as much sex as possible, with as many people as possible, was the best thing ever. Every TV show screamed about sexy sizzling sex. Sex everywhere! Anytime! With anyone! All this was revolving around me while I was a virgin. At the time, I felt embarrassed about it, and avoided the sex conquest talks with other young guys. Though now, if I still had the chance I would smack the sex out of these hyper-sexual evangelists. Many people join popular stupid culture in thinking “free sex” or “casual sex” is good. Instead, I will argue, its married sex that is awesome.
On that note, I recently had a few conversations regarding the question of “what’s wrong with sex outside marriage?” There was genuine interest about why Christians care about sex so much and why should someone get married. I was basically asked, “what is the point of marrying to have sex with one person when I can do it with many different people?” So let’s compare casual sex with many people against married sex with your spouse.
1. You can be God honoring
There are, of course, plenty of “not Christian” reasons, but let’s mention this first. You can say if the Bible is false and there is no God, this point is invalid and I am a fool. I agree. Likewise if it is true, and you ignore it, then you end up a much larger fool with a lot more to lose. I wholeheartedly believe that the Bible reveals God’s word to people, teaching us how to live and love. One of the things the Bible says, is that sex with multiple people is a sin (wrong), while monogamous sex with your spouse is a good and beautiful thing. (Heb 13:4; Prov 5:19). In the past, people often thought that God and the Bible are very prudish and anti-sex. However, upon closer inspection, you will see that the Bible not only condones love and sex between married couples, but encourages it, even making a special exemption during war to enable young married couple to enjoy each other (Deut 24:5)
2. You can enjoy real intimacy
One of the biggest things missing in contemporary society is sincere physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. We use technology to communicate more than ever, yet in our over-glamorized world, we are afraid to be deeply and intimately known. Usually because we are terrified of failing to meet someone’s standards. We think that once the other person knows who we are deep down, rather than who we portray on the outside, they will leave, or think less of us. Perhaps the other person will see you without makeup and realize you are not as beautiful as Photoshop portrays, or maybe she will see your personally is not as cool as your Facebook profile displays. In casual sex, you cannot have true intimacy because you don’t reveal your true self, as you do in marriage. There may be a fleeting moment of passion that feels like intimacy, but it is not a true “knowing” of each other that grows and lasts. Intimacy is found in an unbreakable trust and an emotional connection that persists. It is only possible when two people have committed to expose their deepest longings, aspirations, fears, and insecurities to each other. Only when you and another person can make a pact to keep all of each other’s secrets for life can you begin to reveal these secrets. In marriage, because of the intimacy factor, sex is almost a spiritual experience, one that you can never achieve in casual sex. There is a uniquely transcendent feeling of knowing and being known, and there is an unparalleled sense of euphoric togetherness. Playing a video game online with a random person will not give you the same feeling as having a lifelong best friend, and neither will casual sex give you the intimacy of marital sex.
3. You can be safe
While technological and medical advances have leaped forward, sex is still not truly safe. First and foremost are the painful sexually transmitted diseases. Statistics show millions are afflicted yearly. In marriage that number is radically reduced. In addition to medicinal safety, casual or free sex exposes people to greater social risks. The process of switching between multiple partners allows a greater chance for violent and abusive partners or circumstances. Also singles that are looking for a fling are more likely to be found in places (bars, clubs, etc) that encourage other unsafe behaviors. And lastly, there is a great level of emotional safety in marriage and marital sex. Our brains are wired to feel emotions and when it comes to married sex, we feel safe because we are loved. In casual sex, emotional insanity can ensue. You can never be sure if your partner really likes you or is using you, if he/she will stay or leave, and etc.
4. You can be selfless
When it comes to casual sex, the only motivation is ‘personal sexual pleasure and satisfaction.’ There is hardly a care in the world about the other person. The very root of sex outside of marriage is the desire to fulfill inner sexual cravings. Sex within a marriage is a selfless rededication and recommitment to love and care for one another. Sex outside of marriage is a selfish expression of the commitment to love and care for yourself. There is great beauty in any selfless work or selfless act of love. Conversely, in every selfish act carries in it the very essence of evil. Selflessly committing to love one person, no matter the cost, will build your character; selfishly taking sexual pleasure from anyone will destroy your character. Selflessly giving love will make your life worthy of a celebration; selfishly taking it will ruin your life along with many others..
5. You can enjoy better sex
When it comes to casual unmarried sex (that is when you’re not nursing a STD) you are always dealing with different people. You will never reach the same level of skill and knowledge with your temporary partner as you will with a lifelong companion. Without going into too much detail, every person is very different and sex works a little differently for everyone. It’s kind of like going to college, every degree and area of knowledge is different, and you need to take time to learn it. If you stick with one program, say physics, you can eventually become a PhD in physics. Conversely, if you are switching programs every few months, from art to biology to computer science, you will never achieve an advanced level of knowledge that you can with staying in one program. You will always be unable to enjoy an advanced book in your field. Ok, that was a horrible illustration, but I think you get the point.